


Dear Cecilia

by lokiforrulerao3



Category: Atonement (2007)
Genre: F/M, Romance, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 08:53:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3061685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokiforrulerao3/pseuds/lokiforrulerao3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter Robbie writes to his Cecilia while in France.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Cecilia

Dear Cecilia, 

Everything is ugly here. What I once knew to be beautiful no longer exhibits even a touch of what it used to be. All my mind can do at night is wander through the past, my life before that night, the promise I felt rising over the landscape of my future, and the one I was supposed to spend with you by my side. Sleep is impossible. The nighttime no longer brings peace but fear and anger; a strong sense of injustice keeps me from shutting my eyes. I can never be what I once was; I can never really go back, can I? The shame I live in is a constant overhanging shadow, one that I do not deserve to be under, an always present pain in my chest as if I had been shot. The gaping hole it leaves in me is unbearable, I cannot fix it and what is worse, is that nothing but a foolish young girl pulled the trigger. 

All I need to carry on is too far away, out of my touch, my darling Cee- I will one day return to you, I will one day be yours and you will be mind. All that lies between us is space, the countryside I will flee, the beach I must reach and the ocean I must cross to finally have the privilege of your touch. If we had only known sooner, if only that evening was different, if only Briony had not lied. Justice is slowly slipping from my mind, what can the girl do about it now? The damage is done, my name- my life has been corrupted, my reputation ruined by a child. If I think far too long and concentrate too hard on the situation I never thought I’d be in, I begin to feel my blood pumping through my now visible veins too rapidly, my vision blurs as I try to focus on something different, my hands shake desperately while I try to calm myself but I can’t do this on my own. Frustration does me no good. I read your old letters to calm myself over and over; I know them by heart now. Sometimes I forget who I used to be, but the way you write to me brings me back from insanity and hatred, it stirs memories of our childhoods together and gives me just enough hope to pull me through another tiring day and another terrifying night. I am reminded of what I am fighting for and suffering for, not the country, but for my freedom and for you. 

Forgive me for saying so, but all I can think about is how it would be easier to simply let go of what is left of my existence. You know our bodies are so delicate, Cee, we are so vulnerable and before the war I hardly thought about it. We can end so easily, the simple flick of a knife, the pulling of a rope, the squeeze of a trigger. I suppose I won’t send this letter to you now, they won’t send it on anyway- if they read this I should expect to be placed in a hospital with a locked door. I have had enough of locked doors. I couldn’t do it to you anyway, Cee, I couldn’t let you into the more vicious parts of my imagination. 

With all the love I have left in my heart,

Your Robbie.


End file.
